Dear Mr Harry Potter
by Swimmingly Yours
Summary: From far, far away in Sydney, Australia, a devoted parent writes a letter to his children's hero, the famous four-eyed teenage wizard, Harry Potter.


It's a satire. About over-merchandising. I originally wrote it for school, but then I realised that \it was one of te best pieces that I had written in a loooong time. So, here it is!

Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Nor do I hardly any of its merchandise. Not the Every Flavour Beans, not the fake glasses, not the posters or thefigurines. But I do own this Muggle parent (but it's not that much to be proud of) and I do own electronic Owl Pets.

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Dear Mr. Harry Potter,

I congratulate you on your success. You have taken the world by storm, and my family in particular has been affected by your charms. Not only are you a hero in one of the best-selling children's books of all time, you are also a figurine, a poster, a pen lid that lights up and my children's idol.

That long-nosed professor looks up at me from Katie's bedspread every time I enter her room. Sometimes his face intimidates me, so I then avert my eyes to her desk, where six complete sets of your Lego reside.

I don't believe I will ever have to buy paint for the walls of our house ever again because they are plastered with your posters. From every inch of the interior walls you are grinning, frowning, looking surprised at something, all day, everyday. In fact, at this moment, the wall in front of me is covered with a life-sized portrait of you sitting in the middle of a pile of all your merchandise. I feel as if I know about everything you do each day and I know you just so well.

You stationery is just a tad overpriced, but that's all right, I don't think there's a free trade agreement yet between you British wizards and us Muggles to stop the tariffs, though I hope there will be. It's all very good quality though  especially the adhesiveness of your book labels  my son accidentally stuck one on the couch and we went through our whole collection of household cleaning products before it came off. I am using a licensed Harry Potter brand pen on this letter. The design on the casing is the one where you're on a broomstick and flying above the clouds. Can you recognise the colour of it? I think this blue is just a little bit darker than the kind that pictures you fighting a troll.

I also thank you for the plastic wand I purchased at the department store for my youngest, which was the deciding object for the winner of the dress-up competition he went to last week. Believability and authenticity were two of the components the judges were looking at, and your light-up wand and round, lensless glasses did the trick.

I have never known of anyone like you, Harry, who has had so much success, when you're only like, what, fifteen? Trust me, there is not one child in my community who does not know you name, who does not cry with joy when their parents buy your new board game for Christmas. You're a worldwide phenomenon, and I think the secret is partly all the merchandise that you release to the public. It is quite a wonder to walk into a store and see your items on display, whether it is the stationery section, the personal grooming section or the manchester section.

And I must say, your confectionary is certainly peculiar. The tin of jellybeans I bought for my children three days ago contained some surprises in the flavours. When I looked at the back of the packet closely, I discovered that the purple ones where horseradish flavoured. I remember vaguely about something called _Every Flavour Beans_ that my children told me about when they read your books. How ingenious it is to make products that originate from the story itself! We feel as if we are sharing a part of you amongst us, rather like if we owned shares in a big company.

So I'm basically writing to thank you for all the joy your products have brought my family and I, and to congratulate you, once again, on your success. Your merchandise has brought my family closer together in sharing a love for your video games, pillow cases and Acid pops.

Yours sincerely,

John Smith, parent of three children from Sydney, Australia.

P.S. Jenny wants to know if you're going to be releasing electronic owl pets next. She says that keeping a real owl as a pet is against the law and so a substitute would be appreciated.

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Yes? No? Like it? Hate it? Review? Compliment? Flame? 


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